Sometimes, I just don't get it.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. Pooh? he whispered.
Yes, Piglet?
Nothing, said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. I just wanted to be sure of you.
~ A.A. Milne

I don't understand everything. Sometimes I just don't get it. It often takes me years to accept the meaning or purpose of an experience or event. The story I make up in my head is usually clouded by my own irrational judgment, lack of wisdom or blinding ignorance.  

My irrational judgment is often ruled by chief emotions like shame or guilt. As a leader, I don't want to m­­ake mistakes. So everything I do becomes a performance indicator-a measurement of my leadership abilities or disabilities. Being a woman leader can often be a heavy weight to carry. If I make a mistake as a woman leader, somehow I feel like I am letting down women all over the world. Remember, I said, irrational judgment.

A true scholar somewhere once said, "Wisdom comes with experience." Frankly, I don't want some experiences. As a matter of fact, I will often tell others to keep the receipt from their experiences because wisdom can be expensive. It just makes me feel better to make up a story that I have a money-back guarantee. If I am not totally satisfied, I can return my experience and receive a full refund. A receipt for my wisdom can be the only thing I walk away with but at least I have a date and time of purchase.

I take risks. I expand my horizons. But, by the very nature of exploration, I venture into unchartered territory. I may attempt something for the first time, make mistakes and then beat myself up for not knowing better. Blinding ignorance reveals my vulnerability. I can land flat on my face which is a dangerous place to be. My vision is limited to the boundaries of my colossal failure. I can't take in the big picture. Pushing up from a major defeat takes courage, strength and fortitude. These qualities all sound like wonderful attributes for an investment company or academic institution. And maybe that's the point. That's life-an investment and a university.

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the road begging. A noisy crowd was going by. He asked what was happening. Someone told him Jesus of Nazareth was passing by. The blind man immediately called out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me." Although the disciples tried to hush him up, the blind man shouted out louder. Jesus stopped. Jesus asked that the blind man be brought to him. Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?" Lord, I want to see. Lord, give me your eyes to see.

Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you." Luke 18:42 NIV